July 12: 30/30 project

20 years of dead 

 ‒—for Jon 

this is what it’s like now
without voltage
I spend a lot of time faking 

when I’m really thinking about
suicide 

and 

what it was that undid me that you
salved that got so unsalved again
when you left

there is not a lot of love
that isn’t brutal 

but we 

had our East Village dives
that didn’t open for Sunday
liquid-brunch until 1pm and 

Monday nights at the G&L community center
where all the boys were cruising and
you hung out with me anyway and 

your paté, your miraculous leg of lamb,
your hundred layers of filo and then 

10 plagues / infusions that didn’t kill the germ that killed
you and 

me / survivor / loser 

I met your parents, after
they cannibalized your apartment

I read your journals, after
you described turning tricks in Naples
snorting cocaine, drinking Remy Martin and how
they cannibalized you 

I found a shoebox of postcards of martyred Saints
and a slush pile of short stories you wrote in college

(unpublished, unread)

death doesn’t respond to queries

but your love
was hilarious and full
of grand gestures and
caution tossed and 

Christ how we could talk smart and fast like 2 Jews do
I could meet you after an AA meeting, count on you to say
good god girl, you need a drink   because

you knew you were going to die and
you could say things so brainsick as
after I die, I want you to burn my body
in the street and eat my flesh

do me
last
rite
after
your ashes
scattered
Atlantic/Pacific
and
a sprinkle
in coleslaw

 

 

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2 Responses to July 12: 30/30 project

  1. Mark says:

    Thanks for this, your friendship and memory come through clean and strong and makes for good poetry.

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