11/17/11: what comes over me

I am remembering a particular feeling today, a familiar discomfort: things dropping from my hands as I walk from room to room; moments abandoned in order to rush to other moments; lists of things undone; pressure and guilt about things undone; a sense of conversations halted abruptly in mid sentence; forgotten words, forgotten names, forgotten appointments; thinking of things other than what I am doing at the moment such that no moment feels like the present; a loss of time; floating in darkness; a dyslexic inability to remember which side of the road is the right side; leaving my wallet in the other coat pocket; driving an hour, only to forget where I am going, and so turning the car around and going home again; a desire to stay in bed; a hunger for things I know nothing about; role confusion; shame about all of the above.

This is how working as a clinician affects me, time spent in close and intimate proximity with others who suffer and present needs for me to address. Although I appreciate having a job; I need to work; I don’t wish to become homeless; I even have a strong need for this sort of intimacy (instead of any other sort)—yet this is what comes over me.

 

 

 

 

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One Response to 11/17/11: what comes over me

  1. redmitten says:

    i’m esp taken by your mention of role confusion. though many will relate to this post because of the “memory loss” we all experience, your post goes deeper than that. for me, that role confusion digs deep. …now…who am i? what am i here for? which end of the give/take? where am i in the food chain? who is nurturing whom? and: no no, sherry, yours is not to say “why”, yours is only to show “how”.

    some years ago a friend cautioned me to not give all of myself away, and this post has me rethinking that discussion.

    best

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