10/09/11: trouble with writing

I’m having trouble writing this weekend which makes me sad after such a productive writing summer. Yesterday I wrote nothing, except for a few scribbles over coffee at a local cafe, where I went to avoid the alternative of not going outside all day. I missed a poetry reading last night that I had planned to go to, but didn’t because I didn’t want to have to be around anyone.

The trouble was as expected, it’s difficult to work several days in a busy clinic, empathizing and problem solving for others, and then return to my inner self, where my writing comes from. I worked 3 long days in a row last week. Often, I wonder how I’ve managed to work in health care for so many years. Although truly, I know why I am a nurse; although I’m seriously an introvert [Myers Briggs type: INTP], I’m also a compulsive caregiver [Enneagram Type 2].

What I really wonder is why, for so many years, I tried so hard to want what I thought other people wanted in their lives—friends, family, job. That’s hard to admit to, because it sounds so ungrateful, and I am in fact grateful for family, friends and having a job. It’s just that I can only take in so much outer stimulation before my inner life goes poof.

I just didn’t know enough about myself when I was younger to make a writing life for myself, and this past summer was such a gift, I’m already missing it sorely.

Enough of the pity-party. We’re already enveloped out here in the 9-month season of short, wet, dark days, and I need to push on through.

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9 Responses to 10/09/11: trouble with writing

  1. mir says:

    I’m sorry. There must be days like this. As a writer I mean, where you have trouble writing. I cannot paint everyday, not only because of time constraints or exhaustion. Some days are just like that.

  2. mark says:

    Troubled yearning is part of the process, especially on days off from the job-job.

  3. during october, i’ve committed myself to writing every day regardless of essays to be graded & lessons to prepare. it’s a draining & rejuvenating process. i show up at my computer screen & write. some stuff is okay & other stuff better. but the process of trying to tap that inner self every day still baffles me.

    • Chella- good for you! I imagine you “nursing” your students is no less draining than me nursing my patients, maybe more so. The commitment for me now is to write as often as I can, and to try not to be discouraged. I’ll take strength from your commitment.

  4. Linda Spalding says:

    I send loving thoughts and care to sustain you in moving through days such as you wrote of. I have received pleasure, solace and insights from your posts which I deeply appreciate. I was not surprised to learn you and I share both types. I like your posts and poetry as they are as a balm to my spirit. I’m with you in the journey.

  5. theresa says:

    “It’s just that I can only take in so much outer stimulation before my inner life goes poof.” Oh my god, risa, i totally get you. I love this post of yours because it is raw honesty. Like you, i have missed many a poetry readings because i was happier being in my own company than the discomfort of others, yet you and i met blindly in a “cafe” and it was brilliant. So glad to have met you, and looking forward to more.

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